Saturday 27 December 2008

If only we played football...

Nottingham Rugby is going through a bad patch of results - a hard fought defeat to Leeds (that we could have won) and a one point defeat away at Plymouth (who scored in the seventh minute of added time). We are therefore 4th in National One, or 16th in England.

Looking at the football premiership table we would be Tottenham Hotspur if we were 16th in England and we would have a bid in for a £6,000,000 striker. If we were 4th in the second division (now imaginatively called "The Championship") we would be Burnley. Not sure who they are trying to sign but from their list of full time employees (including a Graphic Designer) I would say they are doing better than us. And they started life as a rugby club.

Maybe it's something we should consider tomorrow as we stand there rattling buckets and flogging calenders of semi-naked players (good taste having taken second place to survival).

Friday 26 December 2008

Proof of what I say about Americans is contained here. It seems last year the try zone, party zone and youth zone all sold out. What are they on about? What next at Twickers? A tweed zone and a know-nothing corporate zone?

For more info on Americans trying to improve rugby push a few advert buttons in the panel above - we need the money.

Thursday 25 December 2008

Christmas Day


Thank you to Nottingham Outlaws for the Santa image, particularly prize-winning coach and uber-geek Joe Shepherd.


Maybe not my favourite day of the year, but by no means the worst. This year the kids slept to a reasonable time so that was a good start. Watched Prince Caspian on DVD. I have read the Narnia books many times but am struggling to remember any mention of the country being taken over by a race of swarthy men with comedy Mexican accents. Kept an eye out for a mouse mariachi band pop up. It didn't. But if it had have done I wouldn't have been surprised. Bear in mind that this is a lesson on what happens when Americans get involved. As they are a growing force in world rugby I can hardly wait to see what the future brings...

Having checked on the internet I have decided that it is better to pig-out for one day and then lay off the calories for the rest of the holidays. I didn't actually find a site that said that, in case you wanted the link, I just checked to see if there was one. Sadly there isn't. However, I still think it's a good plan.

Have to go now - only five hours to go and I still have a chocolate orange and a Dundee cake to see off.

Wednesday 24 December 2008

Top Prank

As practical jokes go this has got to be one of the best. I wish I'd thought of it.

However I do have a juvenile sense of humour and a low threshold of good taste. (That's a quote from my wife, by the way).

Tuesday 23 December 2008

And the result is...

Two days of bag packing, or to be precise, a few hours of bag packing interspersed with periods of trying to look busy so "The Organiser" wouldn't spot I was skiving, and the results are in.

Despite a national recession and competition from the Rotary Club (who were quite muted this year) we managed just over £1,500 from the two days. It's been a good effort but everyone is saying they have done enough bag packing now.

It seems that the Rotary Santa (who kept looking over his shoulder in a hunted manner) was living in fear of another visit from Captain Hook. Not the real Captain Hook, a parent dressed as Captain Hook. Seems he made a big, and scary, impression on Santa last year.

What have we become? Just over a twelvemonth ago we were a cheery band of fund-raising parents. Now we are a bunch of brigands waging psychological warfare against Santa Claus.

What are we going to do for an encore?

I favour serving Bambi at a fund-raising BBQ...

Friday 19 December 2008

Warming up for bag packing

I've been to the gym and done my stint on the weight machines and bike, with some extra curls thrown in to mimic the action of lifting shopping bags.

The fake smile has been flexed (Smile, 2, 3, Hold, 2, 3, Reee-lax).

My answers are ready.

"At least it keeps them off the streets."

"Yes, I was. The fat slow ones are always props aren't they?"

It's a big bag-packing weekend. Tomorrow we pack at a Marks and Spencer Food outlet, hopefully lacking the threats we had to endure from the Rotary Club Santa posse at the door last year ("This isn't just a bunch of fives, this is a Marks and Spencer bunch of fives"). I've been taking lessons from an ex-police unarmed combat instructor - straight fingers under the ribs, wide-eyed innocence and tell his mates it looks like a coronary.

On Monday we will be hassling the happy shoppers of Beeston with a four hour stint in the afternoon. Can't wait to see their happy faces as twenty rugby players line up to juggle their shopping into bags...

Thursday 18 December 2008

Fox's Revenge

Finally got round to putting out the remaining sausages for the fox. They seem to have given it a bad stomach. That's my revenge for the yapping and squealing and territory marking in the drive.

Unfortunately it decided to mark it's territory again. Using the contents of its bad stomach.

That's the fox's revenge.

Fox 1 Me 0

Wednesday 17 December 2008

Money talks and money walks

Nottingham Rugby, once the same club as the one my kids play for, is in financial trouble. It's sad, but although they are 15th in the English league, they rarely attract crowds over 1,500. I bet they'd love to have had a piece of this. In selfish terms I'm glad we are now seperated as the kids are protected from the consequences of the problem; whatever happens we will retain our ground.

The problem that infects National One rugby in the UK is the conviction that "someone" owes them a living just for being a good team. Unfortunately this isn't true. Nottingham is a very good team with great style and great players, plus good long-term potential. Sadly this has been secured at a cost that the club cannot sustain, and the improvement on the field has not been matched with improvements in the off-field management of the club.

We are pretty close to playing Premiership rugby with amateur-style management.

After practice on Sunday I discussed it with another parent. He pointed out that since the two clubs diverged the amateur side had proved itself to have far better management than the professional side. Although we face different challenges I have to agree.

How to annoy children

Dragging them away from a warm TV to go training on a damp, cold Wednesday night is good. Telling them that this was better in the original works too. It also leads seamlessly to "in my day...".



I'm tempted to give an opinion of the X factor and this year's winner but, you have to be nice -remember than she has had a hard life (as she keeps saying).



Nineteen years old, all joints working, no teenagers hanging round her neck, no need to get up at the weekend, no need to hang round in muddy, cold, wet, frozen rugby pitches. Yeah, that's a hard life...

Sarcasm, a medical breakthrough

I have to confess I find the picture more interesting than the article. Not sure whether to be more concerned about losing the ability to detect sarcasm or the fact I might end up in a home that encourages gladiatorial contests between residents.

Saturday 13 December 2008

Never buy cheap sausages

I should have known better last night, but as I stalked Sainsbury's I was tempted by the idea of sausages for breakfast, particularly at a price of 48p a packet.

DON'T DO IT!

They were just tubes of mush (which had probably never seen the front end of a pig). Apart from the use of the word "sausage" on the wrapper and a sausage skin to keep the whole sorry mess together they had nothing to do with sausages.

Tonight I'm going to put them out for the fox and see what happens. If nothing else it will at least be revenge for the territory "marking" the fox does in the driveway on a regular basis.

Thursday 11 December 2008

In which I engage in displacement activity and you waste time

I've always been fond of displacement activity. It's much more fun than working. Try this quiz if you don't believe me. Unless you are one of my kids. In that case get on with your homework and stop wasting time.

Sunday 7 December 2008

Frost 3 Rugby 0

Went to Matlock this morning, beautiful frosty morning with a low winter sun shining through frost rimmed trees. The sun, when it wasn't in my eyes, managed to shine into my door mirror and from there into my eyes. I couldn't help whistling "Winter Wonderland". Looking out for icey patches, with sun in eyes and three teenagers whittering about so-called modern "music" - ah, the joys of parenthood. Are you starting to detect that it wasn't the greatest journey?

All the way there I had to stop myself telling the usual stories (the farmer who shot himself in the head but survived, the manor house where Mary Queen of Scots stayed etc) and making remarks like "Oh, they've built there now have they?" as Number One son is easily embarrassed by his senile parent.

As Matlock drew closer I couldn't help noticing the sun wasn't making much of an impression on the frost. We reached Cromford and turned off (just after the canal). I noticed that my windscreen washers had frozen as we drove into the valley. It didn't look good.

And it turned out not to be good. Despite an hour of optimism from theMatlock coaches even the best bit of ground didn't thaw out properly. Some of it was lovely and soft. Some was rock hard. All in all it was a recipe for disaster so we turned round and went home. Better to do that than see a player injured, though it never feels good.

Under 13s were cancelled too, though they had a proper society referee to inspect the pitch and take the blame.

Then in the afternoon the Nottingham v Coventry match was cancelled too. They play at Meadow Lane, and the difficulty with that is that with the stands around the pitch the sun has no chance of warming the grass. Ah well.

Frost 3 Rugby 0

Wednesday 3 December 2008

Cold

I've just about thawed out from Sunday. Something like five hours standing or sitting in the cold watching three games of rugby (only one of them a victory to make things worse). Tonight I have two hours standing out at training. As far as I know nobody has researched the shortening of parental life-expectancy due to freezing on touchlines all winter.

Still, I hope it will all be worthwhile in years to come when my kids are fit, sporty and successful. I will look at the parents of fat, drug ravaged, vegetarian, gluesniffers and tell themthey should have got cold more often.

Or if it doesn't quite work out like that I will wonder if all the frostbite was worth it.

Monday 1 December 2008

X Factor

I've just seen on the internet that Chris Martin, who apparently plays with a pop group called Coldplay, has said, "If you don't cry at The X Factor, you're not human."

This not true.

If you don't think of shotguns as you watch X Factor, you're not human.

Get it right Chris.

Along with the 1.5 metre rule in junior scrummaging X Factor is responsible for the moral decay of the youth of England.

Wouldn't you just love to see spotty hopeful Eoghan turning out to face your local pack on a freezing Sunday morning...

A question of match reporting

The Under 13s lost 10 - 40. Looks bad but in fact it wasn't a bad match. Our forwards worked like hell, stealing four lineouts, taking a scrum against the head and generally toughing it out until the last minute. If the backs had been capable of holding on to the ball instead of kicking possession away, dropping it or letting it roll free in contact, we might have had a chance. Even so, they were still moving forward at the end and we scored in the final minutes.

Now, it's tempting to talk in terms of dropped balls, turnovers, poor defence, weak links, but in the end what good will it do?

A junior match report, I always feel, needs to be positive, partisan and uplifting. Accuracy is secondary. The question is, am I doing the kids and favours by reporting losses in glowing terms? We definitely had three kids who played below par and let the side down, but what is the point in telling them this. Two of them already know and the third will remain oblivious to his weaknesses whatever I say. Next week, being twelve years old, they will be playing again and I'd rather they went into the game with confidence than a list fo failings. Anyway, it's easy to be good when you're only watching.

Next time you see the words Nottingham 10 Newark 40 it will be in the context of an heroic struggle where Nottingham emerged as victors in all but points.

The question is, am I doing the kids any favours in this, or should I be more realistic?

A three match day

I wish I was being sponsored for this, watching three matches in one day, and even then the pain of some of the things I have been forced to witness could never be compensated for by mere money.

OK, that was a stupid thing to say. But realistically speaking nobody is going to give me enough money to wipe away the pain.

Mainly it has been caused by the sight of junior rugby players carrying the ball in one hand, shortly followed by the sight of a ball bouncing free.

It may be a plot by some subversive organisation dedicated to freeing rugby balls from bondage; it may just be stupidity. I am not qualified to say, though I have my suspicions. I reckon they have all been infected by watching too much premiership rugby on TV. They tell me it helps them run faster,though as I saw a lot of one handed carrying but no scorching runs, I'm not convinced it works. In the case of props particularly, many of whom run at the same speed as a glacier, I'm not sure that the extra yard a year increase in pace is worth the risk of dropping the ball.

Second only to that is the pain of seeing the dropped ball kicked around like a game of football. I could go on, but I'm feeling queasy. Maybe I'll come back later.